Parents: Sex at 13 'is normal'. The questions we really don't want to answer.

 Today in the Metro national free newspaper the article "Sex at 13 'is normal' jumped out at me. http://metro.co.uk/2014/11/04/campaigners-claim-schools-are-teaching-pupils-that-13-is-a-normal-age-for-sex-4935232/  The article refers to campaigners who claimed school pupils are being taught that sex at the age of 13 is normal and that by signposting children to such services may act as 'unlawful' guidance. The debate will rage on for some time and it seems like we preach one thing and teach another. The reality is that we are so far behind in schools that the real question is how do we keep up? 

I started to write my blog earlier this week about a conversation that my 13 year old daughter brought to my attention. I put it aside thinking I would come back to it at a later date. It seems today is just that day.  Years ago I ran a workshop sessions with a group of 20 young men aged between 16-20 on “What is the difference between love and romance?  They grouped girls as either angels or whores. They also revealed how much they disrespected them and felt nothing about sharing them around with their friends. They made it clear that their goal was to break down the virgins and if they were successful there were two routes ahead for the girls. Depending on how they 'broke' them would result in where the girl was placed. Either she was their 'bonafide girl' or she was a 'ting'.  The 'ting' would be a link up (someone they had sex with) and she would be shared amongst their friends. The bonafide girl would be their 'wifey'. This one was not shared and no one could talk to her or look at her too hard. This was the one they could trust. Why? Because she was hard to 'break' this meant others would find it difficult to 'break' her.   I left that session scared by these young men's mind-set. I knew that my female children would have to navigate this mind set in their future. How was I going to prepare them for it? 

At the weekend my thirteen year old daughter approached me with this opening sentence “I have something I want to discuss with you ... but its awkward." Sh*t ! I’m thinking what they hell does this child have to tell me?  What could you possibly want to talk to me about that was 'awkward'!

I know we have spent the half term in some serious conversations thanks to attending a Brixton Reel premiere at the BFI at Southbank. We were introduced to a new conceptual programme called Trylife TV where young people are faced with dilemmas and have to make choices. The unique thing is that the viewer can interact with the characters. At certain points the viewer is asked to make a choice, and once this choice is made the character plays out the consequences. This allows the viewer to try the life influenced by the choice made. Hence TryLife! I highly rate it. Anyway moving on.

I was wondering where this was going to go. Well it turns out that she wanted to talk to me about a boy. So she tell me that a boy from her primary school, who apparently attends another school,, has now told her that he likes her and wants to go out with her like boyfriend and girlfriend. OK breathe Bev!  This I can deal with right?  So I say "he wants to be your friend? That's cool."  I'm like phew she's not telling me she wants to have sex! Yippee.

What followed was a heartfelt discussion around the fact that my child is torn between 1) knowing she has a very clear rule: No boyfriends until 16. Well its really 21 in my head but  as her parent I have always said 16  so I see no need to change the boundaries that we have set  and 2) she has confusion in her mind. This is her own dilemma that she needed some help with. 

She goes on to say that she likes this boy but she hasn’t got time because she has to focus on her education. I breathed a sigh of relief inside because that message seems to have been drummed in successfully. Hooray! But instead of ending the conversation there we continue. We walk the length of my street arm in arm talking about boys and the pressure she is feeling around the interest that is taking place around her. Now I know she is doing well in school and has a close circle of friends that I know but parents can't be everywhere right? She has no access to Facebook or the like but I have allowed her to create an Instagram account. That's before I knew what the heck went on there. Anyway I'll come back to that. The reality is that she has friends on Instagram (it’s taken over big time from Facebook) So in this conversation it becomes clear that she and this boy are friend on this thing and they regularly talk. She let a couple things drop. One that they text each other and two she told him that she wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until she was sixteen.  He responded by telling her that he would wait for her. I'm thinking what the heck he gonna wait for? But I don't say it (you know I wanna say it but anyway). She then tells me that after she told him that she couldn't have a boyfriend, the next time she texted him, he stated that he wasn't interested in what she was saying because she wasn't his. I waited to see what she said she did next.  What did she do?  She said she stopped texting him. I thought Thank You God. But here is another dilemma. What should she do now?

I tell her that ultimately boys want to have sex. All chit chat lead to that final destination (I know what you all thinking but bear with me) . What I actually said was “the bottom line is that he wants to have sex with you. At some point down the line this is his aim. It is however illegal for you to have sex before you are 16. She listens . I continue "As a young woman you need to know that whoever you become intimate with or decide to have sex with is a person that you trust and who you can say you love.  How can you love someone if you don't get to know them? You want someone that will like you just the way you are faults and all. In order for that to happen they got to know you first. So what does he want? What does he mean when he says he wants you to be his girlfriend?” My poor child said " he wants us to be girlfriend and boyfriend. I think he wants to tell people that I am his girlfriend?" So I say “what does that mean?" She couldn't answer. I say “you have to go back and ask him what that means to him and what does he think that looks like to him?"  Yeah you heard right I gave her homework!

I mean what does that really mean in this day and age? In my day that meant we held hands, talked and sometimes kissed. Yeah yeah you may have let him touch your budding breast but what does that mean today?  I tell my baby (because that is what she is to me: my baby) that her feeling and emotions are now kicking in and that at some point she may feel that she wants to know what it might feel like to take her feeling further. I want her to know that these feelings are OK and they are normal. I want her to learn to recognise her feelings and try to learn how to manage them in a responsible way. I know if you deny them that it will serve no purpose and if you ignore them they will come and hit you like a sledgehammer at a time when you least expect it. How do you teach emotional content to a teenager?  No disrespect to my mother but all she told me was "don't come in this house pregnant!" well she shouted it actually. She told me that he first time she had sex she got pregnant. That just scared the hell out of me. It didn't tell me anything about how to handle a sexual situation if it came up or how to deal with men that approached me. She didn't talk to me about what boys said or what they might think. I didn't know the difference between lust and love.  I didn't explore much until I was 18 and even then was only asked “does that feel good?" I thought if you liked me that was it!  I needed to appreciate the fact that I was liked and leave home a married woman!

It was not really explained to me that whilst boys could be your friends you had to discern between those that said they wanted to be my friends and those that were actually your friends. I had been told about the so called 3 month honeymoon period of a relationship. I learnt that was when the real person showed up. By then I was already in! I read Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. He talked about that 90 day rule. Boy was I late. How do you tell your 13 year old daughter that she needs to know herself before she knows someone else? At that age they think they know it all! 

I asked a few more non rhetorical questions. I gave her a brief snap shot of my encounter with my first real boyfriend who has asked me out at 13 and how when  he had tried to kiss me I had  ran for the hills and didn't come out until nearly two years later! When I did come out he was still there and he was taken to meet my parents so that they knew how he was what he looked like and where his family came from. The rest, shall we say, was history. My child needed to have the space to talk. I got nervous and told her that if she couldn't talk to me she could talk to her God mother, father etc. Do you know what she said?  ”I don't want to speak to them. Don’t send me to them. I want to talk to you". Well that’s me told. 

You know what the funny thing is about all of this? The previous night her godmother and I had been speaking and her godmother had said some deep stuff about having open conversations with my girls about sex, boys, emotions etc. I was saying that I had plenty of time to deal with this. I never thought that the very next day would be when this would start.

So really amongst all this chatter I guess the real thing is this. When they are ready to talk to you just talk. Speak. If the conversation is uncomfortable it's uncomfortable. If you struggle about how to explain it break it down into simple language. Don't rant on about stuff like "in my day" keep that lecture short or leave that for when you are with your friends or other parents. Kids laugh at that. Try and measure your honesty and above all be open. Listen. Admit when it sounds or comes across judgmentally.

I know I am going to make mistakes. I have never had to practise this conversation before. This conversation has never meant so much to me.  I want to get it so right for her sake. Most of all I want her to know that I love her so much that my heart aches to see that she is going on a journey where hurt is guaranteed and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I want her to know that if she falls I will be there to pick her up and that my arms are forever her comfort blanket. 

Till next time 

Heart aching Mum