Killing me softly: Maun Valley Citizens UK

If you has asked me ......"what  do you  have in common with a  man who's been homeless for 30 years? My response would have been ..."Not a ting". 

www.freeimages.com

What is different today is that I met 'Jay'.* What's different is that I had a personal conversation with 'Jay'. We didn't speak about the weather which British people so often do when trying to make conversation. Usually we start with the trivial and sometimes stay with the trivial and move on really  missing the opportunity to connect. What's different is that I heard some of his story and it changed me. I don't think he knew that he was killing me softly with his words. 

I was at a CitizensUK action inside a school building along with others. We were there to learn about action in practise  and give support to a small group seeking to find a solution to a bigger issue within their community.  The event was thought provoking as we heard stories from others around refugee welcome, their direct experiences  and other work with some homeless people in the community.  They had presented an issue around befriending and had asked us to suggest solutions. We had been seated around several circular tables and at the centre of each was a large sheets of blank paper. We were asked to capture our suggestions and report back some ideas and thoughts to the main room.   However the real impact for me was coming. 

If you had said what could a white man, who had been homeless for thirty years, and black woman with two teen aged children, who had never experienced homelessness, have in common? I would say on the surface your assumptions that we be light years apart from each other  would be right . However a conversation, a revelation and emotions cut through all that surface crap and helped me see that he and I are more alike than it appeared.   

www. freeimages.com

At the event on each table we were asked to think about what a befriending service might look like and steps that could be taken for this to happen. You know what its like when you are left blank paper in the middle of the table. You just got to fill it with lots of suggestions: the pressure is on.  I thought I had asked Jay a meaningful question "What would a befriending service look like to you? What would make it meaningful to you?  

He looked right at me and said " I got to trust the person". I didn't expect that. Why didn't I expect that? It's true.  Trust is key. A lack of trust means you are often suspicious of others. What do they really want? Let me test if they really can be trusted. Let me  throw something at them, give them some verbal, to see if they really can be trusted? Will they keep coming back or will they leave? If they leave then they never were genuine and my belief that they couldn't be trusted will come true. However if they keep coming back they must be idiots! But if they really keep coming back they must see something in me. If they see something what is it and can I see it?  If I see it do I value it?  If I value it will I protect it? If I protect it will I heal? Will I give myself that space to heal? Do I deserve to heal or do I just keep doing what I have been doing? Tough isn't it?

Jay then went on to talk about how he had become homeless. His catalyst had been sexual abuse from those he had trusted. I immediately understood. Why? Because I could tick that box. Hurt is hurt. I connected with him. I haven't gone around with a t-shirt on my chest saying I am a survivor of abuse but in that moment I understood.   Trust has been an issue and my own personal battle. I would like to think that I have been better at covering that hurt but its still lingers. Self worth and self esteem are always going to be areas I work on. Some days it’s a good day while other days it’s not. To look at me I think you would  see something far different. You will see a ‘strong black woman' whatever that means to you.  

Jay  spoke of shame, anger, low self -esteem and I guess because he is in a better place these are words he can use now to express his feelings.  Sometimes you can find the words to express the pain. Other times  other things are used to block out the words and pain because to confess is to be reminded of the pain and to open old wounds again.

The truth is that prior to meeting Jay I have to confess I had become  rather judgemental about homeless people. Jay said he didn’t see himself as a citizen and until that night I think, if I'm honest  I didn’t see homeless people as citizens either. Tonight for the first time I saw a real person. Someone  who I could identify with and he has helped to remove some scales from my eyes. 

If I'm honest with myself there was a part of me that just  assumed that homeless people would just be grateful if you spoke to them!  I mean after all how many times had I really spoken to a homeless person? Come on I have given some money, bought food and walked on by just like others.  I've cussed that if  they can afford to have  dogs how homeless can they really be! Never understanding the loneliness and isolation you can feel from not being seen as a citizen. Never relating my own moments of loneliness and isolation because I can fill it with being busy. I have made myself feel  better by  showing that I can speak to someone less fortunate than I especially when I have been with my children. I felt that I have been better than other people because at least I have taken time to stop and engage with 'them'. Look I'm sure I'm not the only person who has thought these thoughts as I run to and from my home. I don't think about the fact that  my fear is that that I  am a few pay checks away from the possibility of being homeless too especially if I don't keep working.  Heck how may friends do I really have who would be able to take me, and mine, in if homelessness  became our reality? How many Friday after work drinks are about the stresses we carry as we juggle paying those bills and credit cards?  How many times have I ignored a homeless person because deep down I feared it might rub off? 

So the likelihood, after my encounter with Jay, is that my blinkers have been adjusted. From this very limited experience I know that I have to listen to the story behind the face. Today it was that of a  homeless citizens and tomorrow who knows what that will bring?  I learnt that  I have to get out of the way of my  own judgmental mentality. Through my participation in  CitizensUK I was able to lend support to Maun Valley CitizensUK as they seek to find solutions to some of their local issues. As I return to my home and my participation within my community,  South London Parent Power & Kings College London Widening Participation, South London Citizens and my local church, St Paul's Brixton , where faith is put into action through FoodBank and Christians Against Poverty (CAP).  I too seek to continue to put into practise actions that align with my passions, experience, faith and practise. This experience has just opened my heart that little bit wider and removed yet another barrier to connecting with others. It has also helped me to understand that I can lend support to other causes even if I don't have direct experience of it  because, at the end of the day, if I want to see changes in my community I got to start with some level of change in me.  

I felt the desire to do my blog again because I wanted to share that we are more alike than we realise. That each person, whether  homeless or not, has their own story. That real power is our ability to  connect with each other.  I wanted to encourage change. But that can only happen if we  connect with each other. Power without action changes nothing so I guess I also wanted to encourage us to take  action. This  doesn't have to be a big gesture because trust takes time and small acts matter. Small actions build trust and then together we learn not only to support  fellow citizens but we can begin to learn about the power we really have as a collected and connected people. 

 For those who feel prompted to act  why not visit www.citizens.org. Find out what happening within your local community or create something you feel passionate about to change your community for the better bringing people together. Be part of the change you want to see. 

*( I have changed his name because  I didn't seek permission to use it but wanted to share his impact).