Life: Some things should never surprise us....but they do!
Life is funny or should I say some people in life are
funny.
Something happened a
while ago that I want to share with you and it relates to the faces that
some people present to us.
I spent the best part
of two days with two other people tasked to review candidates that had applied for a post. We used candidates CVs and an informal interview to help us to make effective recommendations to a voluntary board. Prior to meeting them we looked at their CV's, noting points or anomalies that we
wanted to look at further. When the candidates attended, along with all the usual welcomes, we made our role and purpose clear. This meeting offered us an ideal opportunity to get to know them a little better and for them to ask us questions that would help them to gain more clarity about the role. We also asked them to think carefully about the time commitment involved in the role. If for any reason, after the informal interview, they felt that the commitment
was too much and wanted to withdraw their interest, they should inform us by the selected date mentioned. We would then withdraw their details. This however would not prevent them from applying again in the future. We reiterated that after the board had reviewed their information, and our recommendations, that they would be directly contacted by the organisation regarding to the outcome. Clear? Good.
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This incident brought
back memories from my previous work experiences. Similar things like this happened often and I used to get angry. I remember ranting a lot and generally
telling anyone that cared to listen (or not as the case maybe) what I really
thought of the whole mess! How I couldn't understand the betrayal. Strong word
but that was how I saw it. How I felt it. How could they betray me? Blah blah
blah. I know we've all worked in teams where everyone has said the same
things outside a meeting but when you get into the meeting everyone suddenly is
quiet or struck dumb. I used to look around and stare right at them
willing them to speak. I even went so far to say the "we" when
speaking. You know ..."We feel it might work better if we....." get
the picture? Only these same people would just look around the room or at their
papers leaving me hanging in mid-air. Some would say stuff like “I’m sure
that's not how some of us feel...." or “I have a different take on the
matter really..." or whatever they said.
All I knew was when I walked out
of those types of meeting I walked out feeling really upset, isolated and not
wanting to work with said individual or team.
I took it personally. I
used to think why let me go into this meeting believing one thing and then
present another? What usually happened in some cases was that they'd find
some way to come up to me later with some wishy washy excuse so they could talk
to me, or they joined me for a fag break thinking we were all fine. We were not.
I used to call these people two faced. The other type of 'these people'
that I encountered was those who would say all the right things in front
of your face and when the chips were down their actions showed that
they were really all about themselves. I used to think how could you not take
this kind of thing personally? But you see when you do stop taking it
personally you get to see the 'real' picture and act accordingly.
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Some people want to
be seen as the ones saying the same things that are coming out of your mouth.
The thoughts, rational, arguments or ideas that you have are the ones that they
wished they had said. Better still some want you to share that only with them
so that they can then present it as their own. Some don't want to associate
or attribute the intelligence with you. Some people don't like confrontation
and will shy away from anything that 'smells' like that to them. Others will
join the bandwagon because they lack the confidence to speak for themselves but
at the first sign of trouble they will retreat fearing they get tarnished with
a negative brush. You will be isolated in a heartbeat. Others just have their
hidden agendas and these will not come to light until time plays its part.
I remember working
for an organisation that had big profile. I went in as a volunteer answering
phone, updating databases, writing letters, dealing with queries and getting
involved with mass mail outs. Whilst in this role a vacancy came up. I of
course applied for it. I was doing the job anyway so what harm could it be?
Well I'll tell you what harm. The team was divided into four parts, each lead
by a fund raising officer, who was responsible
for a section of the
community who they would engage with and support through their fundraising efforts. Prior to the vacancy all the team leaders kept commenting on what a
great job I had been doing. In team meetings I contributed to the team efforts
giving ideas and viewpoints. I mean I believed in what we were trying to
achieve. When the vacancy came up I spoke with the people and leaders to get a
clearer understanding of the post. I had the skills, knew the
systems and got on well with the whole team. Everyone knew I had applied. Some
came to wish me luck and others gave me interview tips. I got shortlisted and
interviewed. After the interview I asked for feedback and all seemed good.
However I did not get the job.
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I asked why I hadn't
been successful and was told the person had better computer skills than me and it was this that resulted in them being selected over me. Now I would have left it
at that but something happened that made we question everything. I found
out that the successful person was a close friend of one of the two people that
interviewed me. I kind of suspected something from there on in. Paranoia sets in
quickly. When the person finally started they were introduced and I was informed, during a team meeting, that I would be supporting this person because they did
not have enough computer skills. Don't get me wrong the irony
was definitely not lost on me. Was I pissed? You bet! As I say
life is funny or the people you meet in life are funny. Yep I could
have got twisted and stopped volunteering. But I didn't. I just made sure that
she did her own work. I was polite and helpful but became too busy
working on what I had to do. I thought if your friend got you the job then do
the job.
Needless to say some
of the team were also pissed at what had occurred. But this is where you
harness people. Instead of going off on one with them I asked if there was
anything that I could do to support them more thus manoeuvring myself out of
her way and focusing on other tasks that took up my time. When she came to me
to do something I genuinely said I was busy and would try to fit it in. Sometimes
I fit it in but more often than not she had to ask someone else for help. My
colleagues, who could have helped, also told her the same message. Now you've got
to understand I hadn't asked them to do this. They did this off their own backs
because they didn't like the injustice. Yes they helped her but not as much as
she could have got if the circumstances had been different. As I say
life is funny or the people you meet in life are funny.
To end the story
another one of the fund raising officers went to an event and injured their
back. They couldn’t come back to work and so another vacancy was created. Guess
who got the job? Yep me.
Who went on to harness the world of DJs and popular artists
of the time to create a mega fund raising event held at Equinox the Leicester
Square? Yep me. It raised huge funds, tapped into a scene previously ignored
and raised the profile within the black media. I even got interviewed!
Yes hands up. It was satisfying to prove some of those people wrong.
It was hard work and I had some great support and contacts that helped to
make it happen. In addition it vindicated one of the things that I kept telling
the team: black people fundraise too. Their misguided notion that young black people would not be interested in raised funds for this appeal was just that. Misguided. Thanks to all the DJ and underground peps that
rallied behind that cause. Now I just think that was funny. Don't you?
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Over time I've learnt
that I can only speak for me, my thoughts and my feelings. If something is truly yours No one
can take it away. I have really had a hard time understanding that.
Why? Because I have usually wanted to please others more than I wanted to
please myself. When I talk about pleasing myself I'm not talking about
being spiteful and selfish. I am talking about not always deferring my needs so
that you feel better all the time or at my expense. You understand what I'm
saying? You know what's even funnier? When I learnt to believe this I
talked it. When I talked in this way I acted in this way and you know what?
Things changed.
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I'm so aware that I
usually talk about the work environment and that’s because I can be a little
bit more objective. On the personal side of my life things have taken longer
and been more painful to talk about. When I've felt betrayed I've stopped talking and kept things bottled up. But when I learnt to be bold in one environment things changed in my personal world too. At work
when I began to take ownership using terms like I think, I feel, my
understanding of the data or the situation is this, I can't solve this matter
but I can make a suggestion for moving forward.... Something strange happened
or should I say I noticed a change. People listened and took note. Later on
when I asked someone why people were listening to me they told me I no longer
appeared angry. I laughed because they were probably right. I wasn't
angry anymore that’s true but I no longer cared about them joining me. It was more about
caring about me and trying to stay true to that part of me. Sometimes
when you're in that space you can't see the wood for the trees. When others saw anger they stop listening. So the balances I strive for is handling my emotions and still get people to
listen? I don’t know. I guess I own it. What does that mean? Well I’d
have to bottle that and sell it.
My work life, attending training courses, my observations and learning from my experiences has helped me to realise the dynamics at work. I learnt not to
take it so personal. I think some of us feel like we have failed because we think that is the only
way that we can take it: personally. I owned my thoughts, ideas and whatever. I
learnt, in the world of work, to display my emotions elsewhere or to manage
them better than I had in the past. All too often women are told that their emotions are not appropriate in the workplace. The reality is that we are often employed because we do have these same said emotions. Managing them is really the key. If I can make a breakthrough well anyone can. Now before you think I'm getting on some high horse let me be perfectly clear. I have slipped from time to time and taken things so
personal that it’s been bad for my health. But where I now sit is in a place
where I understand more. I have memories and feelings of how it worked when I
didn't get it 'right'. I also have the memories and emotions of how it worked when I did get it right. I now have a
reference point and know how I prefer to feel. This is something I certainly didn't have before. Do things surprise me still? Yes but my core is much firmer. This same firmness has spread to my
personal life. I finally refused to accept something. I believed I was worth
better. I spoke it. I acted upon it and it resulted in change. All I'm saying is that you
have your journey and I have mine. If something I share helps someone great! If not then it wasn't for you.
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I am going to take
the position that has served me well. I recognise my feelings. My feelings impact on my belief so I think and feel my way through to creating my thoughts. My thoughts turn in my words and this leads to my action. I really can't help how you interpret my process or even my actions. All I can say is if you are unsure check in with me and I will try and explain the best I can. If the explanation helps that's cool. If not that's cool too. Honestly sometimes I really don't have the time to explain. If I don't
know something I don't bluff. I'll simply tell you "I don't know". If I get to know then I share but I rest assured in the knowledge that when you see this (meaning me).....it’s all mine. It's all ME.
Remember your feelings, your belief,
your words, your actions create change. ©
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