And this too shall Pass. You're kidding right?
Since I started this blog I've been finding stuff that I've written all over the place. In books, on pieces of paper, notepad on my phones, my ipad etc. It's made me think whether I was preparing to do something like this all along.
There have been many things rolling around in this head since the first blog. I mean what do I share?
How should I structure it so you can follow my train of thought jumping around? Then the critics come to join the party and I start thinking no ones gonna read this stuff. Oh lets not forget I'm also freaking out about whether the grammar and punctuation are ok as well. I mean no one is interested. Full stop. Oh here comes another thought. You are gonna get cussed and rejected by people you don't even know! OK now I can feel my stomach knot up waiting for this text or call letting me know that I've have been rejection. so how have i responded to all this mayhem? I share the blog with most of my friends on What's App. Then I put it on my Facebook page. I also shared it on Women on the Crossroads facebook page with 1000+ followers! I say sh*t I ain't gonna let these critical voices in my head stop me from doing this. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I'm gonna just go with the flow. So here is something I found.
A reflection written February 13. 2014
Thinking back I was unhappy and didn't know what to do. No that's crap I knew what to do. I was just too damn scared to do it!(hindsight comment) I stayed in the my relationship for the kids. I was worried that they would be unhappy and so I scarified my feelings for theirs. When I was in counselling I asked myself why was I feeling so unhappy? It was the job so I finally made the decision to let that go. But I was still not happy . OK so I took some time out and went on a girly holiday with one friend to rest, disconnect and get spoilt & pampered. Ok I admit that was good but coming home 'he' wasn't happy.
Ok I decided to work on our relationship a little more to I see if by making him happier it made me happier. I found that whatever I did it seemed to be criticised by him. If I stayed home he wanted to know what I was gonna do to find work. When I spent time on the computer looking for work or courses he was not happy because I wasn't paying attention to him. When I said it was difficult to find work he started talking about him. Everything went back to him. He'd say "see when I was looking for work you weren't etc" and so I shut down feeling that no support was coming from that area. I remember asking him if he would directly support me and he said "I can only do what I can do". What I wanted to hear was I'm gonna step up and support you all the way until you know where you want to go! No matter how long it takes..... But I never heard that.
When I asked him again if he would support me I had to spell out what that support might look like! I couldn't pay bills I'd paid before: Electricity, Gas, kids dinner monies, weekly food , phones, insurances, TV licence , car insurance, permit for car, poll tax..... He said "I'll see what I can do" This man who had only paid the rent and never touched his remaining salary for the entire month until it had accumulated to over 10k! This was the Man I was living with, He who ate, watched tv and slept in the same house. This man who gradually stopped doing anything with the family apart from going to weddings, christening and funerals. The same man who never called us to find out how our day was going or to check if we were safe. The same man who went out thursday Friday saturday and Sunday evenings coming home too late to be decent and defensive when questioned. The same person who when I asked for money to go shopping to buy food for the entire family looked at me and when i asked for £100 took out a wad of notes and gave me £20. This person who had his name tagged on every present and gift card bought but who contributed nothing towards them. I am so angry. I've built up so much resentment and anger I can't speak. I mean how the f*ck you gonna watch me provide and sleep peacefully in my bed? I felt like no effort yielded a dam thing! So I focused on my kids and tried to bury the pain and the tears.
You a real fool if you think kids don't pick up on shit ! They do. Sometimes you are so blind, in denial or just so hopeful things will get better. I was hopeful. I mean it is for better or worse ain't it? I think hopeful is the term I'd use here. I was hopeful for some years. Did my hopefulness pay off though?
There have been many things rolling around in this head since the first blog. I mean what do I share?
How should I structure it so you can follow my train of thought jumping around? Then the critics come to join the party and I start thinking no ones gonna read this stuff. Oh lets not forget I'm also freaking out about whether the grammar and punctuation are ok as well. I mean no one is interested. Full stop. Oh here comes another thought. You are gonna get cussed and rejected by people you don't even know! OK now I can feel my stomach knot up waiting for this text or call letting me know that I've have been rejection. so how have i responded to all this mayhem? I share the blog with most of my friends on What's App. Then I put it on my Facebook page. I also shared it on Women on the Crossroads facebook page with 1000+ followers! I say sh*t I ain't gonna let these critical voices in my head stop me from doing this. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I'm gonna just go with the flow. So here is something I found.
A reflection written February 13. 2014
Thinking back I was unhappy and didn't know what to do. No that's crap I knew what to do. I was just too damn scared to do it!(hindsight comment) I stayed in the my relationship for the kids. I was worried that they would be unhappy and so I scarified my feelings for theirs. When I was in counselling I asked myself why was I feeling so unhappy? It was the job so I finally made the decision to let that go. But I was still not happy . OK so I took some time out and went on a girly holiday with one friend to rest, disconnect and get spoilt & pampered. Ok I admit that was good but coming home 'he' wasn't happy.
Ok I decided to work on our relationship a little more to I see if by making him happier it made me happier. I found that whatever I did it seemed to be criticised by him. If I stayed home he wanted to know what I was gonna do to find work. When I spent time on the computer looking for work or courses he was not happy because I wasn't paying attention to him. When I said it was difficult to find work he started talking about him. Everything went back to him. He'd say "see when I was looking for work you weren't etc" and so I shut down feeling that no support was coming from that area. I remember asking him if he would directly support me and he said "I can only do what I can do". What I wanted to hear was I'm gonna step up and support you all the way until you know where you want to go! No matter how long it takes..... But I never heard that.
Black-Woman-Crying sourced from Bahamaspress.com
When I asked him again if he would support me I had to spell out what that support might look like! I couldn't pay bills I'd paid before: Electricity, Gas, kids dinner monies, weekly food , phones, insurances, TV licence , car insurance, permit for car, poll tax..... He said "I'll see what I can do" This man who had only paid the rent and never touched his remaining salary for the entire month until it had accumulated to over 10k! This was the Man I was living with, He who ate, watched tv and slept in the same house. This man who gradually stopped doing anything with the family apart from going to weddings, christening and funerals. The same man who never called us to find out how our day was going or to check if we were safe. The same man who went out thursday Friday saturday and Sunday evenings coming home too late to be decent and defensive when questioned. The same person who when I asked for money to go shopping to buy food for the entire family looked at me and when i asked for £100 took out a wad of notes and gave me £20. This person who had his name tagged on every present and gift card bought but who contributed nothing towards them. I am so angry. I've built up so much resentment and anger I can't speak. I mean how the f*ck you gonna watch me provide and sleep peacefully in my bed? I felt like no effort yielded a dam thing! So I focused on my kids and tried to bury the pain and the tears.
You a real fool if you think kids don't pick up on shit ! They do. Sometimes you are so blind, in denial or just so hopeful things will get better. I was hopeful. I mean it is for better or worse ain't it? I think hopeful is the term I'd use here. I was hopeful for some years. Did my hopefulness pay off though?
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