That job was made redundant. Not me!

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Recently someone I know posted on Facebook that after 24 years of working they have been made redundant and handed their P45. I felt sad as I read it because it brought back memories for me of 2012  when,  due to budget cuts and consistent organisational restructuring,  I had enough and applied for redundancy. Now was this any different to my friend because I had applied for it? The answer is No. The emotion of loss, deflation, depression, sadness and feelings of worthlessness that are connected wth this whole process are the same.

I remember having to coach myself into reminding myself to understand that the post had been made redundant. The post was redundant not me.  If I continued to say that I was redundant  I  think I might have become even more  depressed and unable to function. Looking back I can see that I felt deflated, lacked confidence and didn't know what I wanted to do anymore. I had lost my passion for teaching, managing people and resources. I had lost  faith in the  profession, educational institutions and really in my own abilities. No matter how other kept saying to me .."you got skills".  The reality  for me was that I was the one who had to  believe it. My friends weren't going into the interviews for the jobs and having to sell themselves, they were not having to sign on for assistance while  they tried to get themselves out of the so called funk they were in. They didn't have a partner and children to face, Well at least not mine.

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When the post has gone it really is that. The job. It takes a bit of time to try and refocus.  All the ideas that you had whilst working come tripping out of your head. Do you remember when you used to talk with your colleagues about what you would do if you didn't work here/there anymore? Or when you heard about so and so who had left and who was now doing something that sounded so exciting you wish you had left too?  Or when you had been approached by some company who saw your value and tried to head hunt you but you were either too  scared to branch out or it didn't seem appealing enough. Well it does now but those people aren't around. Even if they appeared you feel too fragile to ask them for that job now because you feel beaten up rather than glowing with confidence. You think the bubble has burst or at least it feels that way to you.

This is the time when it seems easy to turn to. You know that feeling when you can turn to anything?  I mean anything:  drink, drugs, sex, food or whatever.  Just something to dull the pain of rejection because no one can tell you any differently. 

When I felt like a headless chicken,  and turned to my partner for his support all I heard was  'I will see what I can do".  Unfortunately I needed to hear him say  I believe in you. You may feel down for now but lean on my shoulders. I will hold you for as long as you need me to hold you.You don't have to go through this alone.  I guess if I had heard him say this to me we might have still been together. Who knows.

The mantra ' the post was made redundant ' helped me to remember that I was still ok. That things would get better for me and that I was still alive. I just needed some time to focus on what I really wanted. I needed to give back to me. How long that would take scared me a little. When you have responsibilities all you can think of doing is jumping into that next post to provide. At  first redundancy money looks pretty until you think this may be the last lump sum you  will ever see in your lifetime!  The desire to spend it like a 'winner ' is always there but for me I had to think of a safety net for those days I might find it hard to make ends meet.

It felt a little frustrating to find out that this nest egg, so to speak,  prevents you from accessing any help/ support. It felt really hard because during this time I also became a single parent. It's suffice to say I had to use this money to survive whilst figuring out what I was going to do.  People became objects to avoid because the question was always there.... "what are you going to do?".  How can you answer that when you feel your world becoming fragmented moment by moment? There will always be hurdles and the test is how you face them. Some people will say get off your ass and don't rely on anyone for help! All I can say is that when you are in a fragile state of mind this type of advice doesn't help. When you are feeling weary  and alone this advice is counterproductive to say the least.

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Loneliness doesn't have symptoms that are evident to the naked eyes that quickly scan you and move on to the next thing. Loneliness  eats away at you from the inside. While you  are with company you can put on a mask but as soon as its gone loneliness becomes an envelope like an uninvited  thief holding you hostage.

Healing comes from recognise that you are trying to deal with it on your own. Trying to face whatever it is alone is like trying to walk in gooey treacle. Giving yourself permission to put things in place to help you is really what you have to do.  That's advice I was given. It's advice I acted upon. It's advice that helped to save me. I was surprised to find that when I took the first step to reach out that  company was right beside me waiting to hear the words  "I  need  a little help". To this day help is still here.