Coward or Courageous?

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I think that the answer to this question is simple. Don't you? I mean we are all cowards to a certain extent. I was recently challenged by someone, that I just met who stated that I was a coward because I  didn’t want to engage with him. The truth is yes I was a coward.  When you come to me with drama why the hell would I want to engage in that? Would you? Oh I hear some of you say that it depends on the drama and I guess you’re right.  Some drama help you to grow. Granted. But after the year I have had i just don't want another drama to add to the pile. Am I a coward for wanting an easier start to my year? No because I know that we still have x amount of days to the year ahead and some dramas I wont be able to avoid whilst  others I can. So if I choose not to face this particular matter am I really being a coward or am I being wise?  I don't know but one thing I do know is that my motto “not today’ has started. 

If I can avoid it I will. 

As I get older I have to realise that I can choose what happens and if it is a missed opportunity then that is just what it is: a missed opportunity. However I currently think that if it’s for you then it will come back to you in one shape or another. There comes a time when you just have to make a decision what is a priority for you. Is it something tangible or intangible?  Is it real or fake? Sometimes that is the hardest thing to work out. Sometimes it’s even harder to work out how I feel about  whatever it is. Sometimes I have to check in with my close crew of friends so they can help me see things from different perspectives. However in the end I am the one that has to make the decisions and I am the one having to live with my choices. 

So this year I want to learn to be more true to my feeling and live with the choices that I either make or am in the process of making. Sometime the desire is strong and then the challenges become great and I want to give up. I am at a place where somethings are challenging me and my natural responses has been to withdraw. I  am a strong woman therefore I must do it alone. Wrong!!! Strength isn't only about doing it alone it is also about allowing others to help, give or express their love to you. Trusting that others can hold and love me is the real challenge.Allowing that flow is either gonna make or break me.

I was challenged by a long standing friend who was offended that I never told her about a health issue that was impacting my life to the extent that I was in constant pain. Things got so bad that I feared more than I cared.  

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I feared more than I cared. i just read that back before posting and replied how powerful that sentence really was. Fear  - a four letter word that can paralyse the strongest. 

Anyway I ignored the pain until it woke me up and I mean that literally. When I  finally spoke to my doctor she let me know that I had been living with this pain for 2 years!  In my head I thought it was a few months. Anyway over the last six months I have had support  to make some changes that have helped to improve the quality of my life. I felt empowered that I have managed to pull through and am in a better place. What  I didn't realise was that those I loved were not allowed to help me. You see what this  friend said initially hurt me. I thought I was doing really good not to ‘burden’ my friend with my i’ssues’. The things is I actually prevented her from loving me and showing that love in a different way. She said she felt hurt that I didn't trust her enough to share the good bad and ugly. I was shocked.  I had to mention it to another friend and she too was shocked and hurt that I had withheld the extent to which I had been going through pain and health issues. 

I realised from their reactions that my issue was about trusting others to accept me just  as  I am.  However just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean that I am not thinking about it.  I guess I was trying to figure things out. Does that make me real or fake? , Am i thinking about what I want or what I need?  What are my priorities and what impact does that have on others?  Do I have what it takes to see the course through or am I really just a coward?  There isn't a really easy answer. I guess it is a process. As life is a process I am still going through it. All I know is that I have to learn to listen to what is good for me and my immediate family . Without me that is nothing. I have only so much energy, time, ability and focus. If I focus on you and your needs at some point I will realise that my leg is falling off! Yes I know its is bit drastic  but you get the picture. 

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Balance is the key. How do you get that balance  right if you're only focused on everyone else's needs? 

What now? I have a strong desire  to help others connect but surely I’ve  got to connect with me first? Giving only feels truly good when you first learn how to  receive right?  So this new year presents challenges. Am I  a coward or courageous?  The simple answer is I am both. So let’s see what the days ahead have in store and I pray that I have the ability to balance myself or get the help needed to support me in the quest to live a year of balance. Where I can face drama with courage and allowing those who love me the opportunity to show it in their unique way.  May I also have the  courage to do the things that help me too.