Schools: Should we pay for extra tutoring for our children?

I guess you always experiment on the first child because you are learning the ropes. Sometimes we can make a big mistake thinking that one size fits all. I have two children both of whom are different. Thank God! When my first child was at primary school she couldn't understand maths. Or should I say she was finding it challenging.  I spoke to her teacher to see if there was anything that I could do to help. The response was that she would grow into it and to give her time and see. So I gave it time and each parent consultation I walked away feeling that I was not helping my child. Each time she had homework I found I was more and more frustrated with her. I used to yell at her for not doing the work and when she gave me dumb answers I used to go ballistic. 

screamin by ralaenin

Yeah I know not a good look but I know you have been there.  I had  timetable posters plastered on all the walls in her room. More posters to help her than I had art work hanging on my walls! I bought math books for her to go through and when I got frustrated I would leave her with them. Note I said when I got frustrated.

Now my confession is that maths is not my subject. So any books that had the answers in the back/middle/front were the ones that I hunted down. But when she used to look at me and ask me why the answer was the answer (pause)  I panicked. How the hell do I know? Isn't the answer the answer? It must be right! I used to think why the heck are you asking me?  I really knew that I was not helping her. In fact I was worried that I was making it worse. I remember that I used to think that I was damn better than my mum because at least I was sitting down with her and helping her with her homework!  But there came a time when I had to admit that I was doing her mental harm. I know as a parent that I am gonna get things wrong but I want those things to be by mistake and not intentional. 

So I found a tutor that worked out of a library (can’t remember his name right now). He was good for her although she came away asking me more questions.  I promptly told her to ask the tutor because I clearly didn't understand. Well actually the truth was I tried to help her but it was like another language to me. I really was happy that we had someone else to ask. Eventually the sessions moved to Wimbledon, I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I think we had to relocate to their Wimbledon office for a few weeks where a female tutor took over. When it came time to go back my daughter didn't want to. She really liked the new tutor and preferred to go the extra distance to do her maths sessions with her.

reading - vasantdave

So began a two year relationship that resulted in my child feeling more confident in the subject. Yes I know I paid for the privilege of telling her to ask her tutor, the petrol and time spent dropping off and picking up. However the confidence my child developed was actually priceless. An additional benefit was that I got to spend time with my youngest. We went to the library, read together, did homework and talked to each other. Her confidence grew and she looked forward to what became our time together. As for me I was knackered. However we have these moments and our memories that unite us serving as footprints for the future.

 In the back of my mind I knew that the time was coming when we had to pick secondary schools so I wanted her to be as prepared as possible. I changed from wanting to help her overcome her fears to preparation for selection. I realised I was too late. I found out that some parents had been preparing their children for secondary school selection from when their kids were 7 or even before!  They had also been preparing them for selection tests and I panicked because I hadn't been doing this. Why the hell are they taking nonverbal reasoning test when schools don’t prepare them for it? Why hadn't I done this? What was I thinking?  Some parents that I met were adamant that they wanted results.  They had paid for this so they were holding everyone to account for the grades that would result in entry to these selective schools.

Don't misunderstand me. I want her to get the grades too so I'm not gonna sit here and lie. But my deepest desire was for my girl to be brave enough to ask for help when she needed it and be gracious enough to accept it when it came. I was hoping that she would learn this lesson.  Although I’m sure it’s more my lesson than hers.  When we had finally applied to various schools not only did she have to take the Year 6 SATS that all children take at what they call Key Stage 2, in addition she had to take selection tests for some of the schools we had selected. After she came out of the second selection test I looked at her poor face.  I thought what the heck am I doing? Where was that joy for learning? It looked like I had replaced it with stress and doubt. Did I want more of this for her? Was she really ready for this? Wasn't I doing the best thing by preparing her for her future? If her future more of this and did I really want that for her?  These and many more questions raced across my mind. The funny thing is that sometimes we register these emotions and then ignore them and just march on to the next challenge ahead. Did I really want that for my child?

Was she selected for the schools she had sat her assessments for? I will never know. Why? Because she got her first choice school and once that happens the others did not have to respond. My daughter asked if she had been selected by those schools and I didn't have answers for her. She wanted to know if they thought she was good enough for them. I didn't have an answer. She was disappointed and I remember having to spend some time comforting her because she felt that they thought she was not intelligent, bright or smart (no matter what I told her). 

 sad by Glendali

I guess this is what these selection tests implied.  Why should she feel rejected at 11? She has an educational future ahead of her so why should she be left with a legacy of feeling rejected at 11? Why should she or any child be left with that? When you feel that way it can take a very long time to recover. It affects your internal belief in your own abilities. What everyone forgets to tell you is that the journey is not over and that it has really only just begun. You have the power to alter the future. I guess even if they do tell you do you really hear when the buzz of failure is still around your head? One test is not the end of your world. Back then this was the work that I was left to do with my child. It is the work we all do with our children. I guess I have to be consistent in my message and actions because they are not determined by a test. These messages and actions are determined by how my children feel, respond and act when faced with fear of failure. My prime directive is to comfort, encourage, support and  instill confidence.  Qualities that will help to prepare them for their world. In return they challenge me to think differently and work on balancing feelings and logic because both have a place in our world. 

It’s been two years or more since I stopped doing maths tutoring for my eldest.  Periodically I have asked if she wanted more tutoring because she has mentioned struggles with particular aspects of maths but she would adamantly refuse. She stated that she was in the top set and doesn't need any help. So I backed off. Believe me I battled with myself about that. She is now in Year 9 and has said “I think it would be good for me to have some extra maths tutoring because I don’t get the time to ask questions in class and I want to improve my grade”.  So I guess I'm glad that she knows herself enough to know when she needs help and will accept it. I think that is really half the battle the next is finding the money to pay for the d**n thing!

Did I learn my lesson with the youngest?  Yes.  She was tutored for confidence, understanding and challenge only. It was for an agreed time and I could afford it. Did it help her? Yes. When it came time to select schools she wanted to go to the same school as her sibling (how lucky for me). The school’s curriculum offered variety and I could see that her particular interests could be met. No more selection tests for us just plain old enjoyment, stretch and challenge. Kids develop all the time. I remind my girls to grab opportunities while there are there because tomorrow is not really promised and things can change. If the school does extra sessions grab it. If there is an after school club you are interested in grab it.  If I can afford to give you an opportunity or experience grab it. Not everything will excite you but the test is really are you willing to free your mind and step from behind your fears to peek, see and try. Where there is passion things will grow.

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