Life: Some things should never surprise us....but they do!

Life is funny or should I say some people in life are funny. 

Something happened a while ago that I want to share with you and it relates to the faces that some people present to us.  

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I spent the best part of two days with  two other people tasked to review candidates that had applied for a post. We used candidates CVs and an informal interview to help us to make effective recommendations to a voluntary board. Prior to meeting them we  looked at their CV's, noting points or anomalies that we wanted to look at further. When the candidates attended, along with all the usual welcomes, we made our role and purpose clear.  This meeting offered us an ideal opportunity to get to know them a little better and for them to ask us questions that would help them to gain more clarity about the role.  We  also asked them to think carefully about the time commitment involved in the role. If for any reason, after the informal interview, they felt that the commitment was too much and wanted to withdraw their interest, they should inform us by the selected date mentioned. We would then withdraw their details. This however would not prevent them from applying again in the future. We reiterated that after the board had reviewed their information, and our recommendations, that they would be directly contacted by the organisation regarding to the outcome. Clear?  Good.  

 

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After the interviews we all discussed/ debated the pros and cons of each candidate but finally we all agreed upon our recommendations. There were definitely some good candidates who had skills that would be a real asset to the board. Some required nurturing; others had time frames around their commitment while others had experience and issues.  Personally I thought  the board would have a hard time and I didn't envy their task. I waited, with interest, to see who might be the successful candidates. Unfortunately I wasn't able to attend the presentation, to the board, but felt confident that my colleagues would be able to do this without issue. Only I was informed that this was not the case. During the presentation one person decided to counter the groups' decisions around candidates inferring pressure might have been abled. You can imagine this created a bit of a sticky situation for those present. Anyway I can't really elaborate any more than that because I was not at the meeting. However what my experience have taught me is this. When someone changes the goal post there is something afoot. I didn't know at the time what was afoot but needless to say there was an agenda. 

This incident brought back memories from my previous work experiences. Similar things like this happened often and I used to get angry. I remember ranting a lot and generally telling anyone that cared to listen (or not as the case maybe) what I really thought of the whole mess! How I couldn't understand the betrayal. Strong word but that was how I saw it. How I felt it. How could they betray me? Blah blah blah.  I know we've all worked in teams where everyone has said the same things outside a meeting but when you get into the meeting everyone suddenly is quiet or struck dumb.  I used to look around and stare right at them willing them to speak. I even went so far to say the "we" when speaking. You know ..."We feel it might work better if we....." get the picture? Only these same people would just look around the room or at their papers leaving me hanging in mid-air. Some would say stuff like “I’m sure that's not how some of us feel...." or “I have a different take on the matter really..." or whatever they said. 

All I knew was when I walked out of those types of meeting I walked out feeling really upset, isolated and not wanting to work with said individual or team.

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I took it personally. I used to think why let me go into this meeting believing one thing and then present another?  What usually happened in some cases was that they'd find some way to come up to me later with some wishy washy excuse so they could talk to me, or they joined me for a fag break thinking we were all fine. We were not. I used to call these people two faced. The other type of 'these people'  that I encountered was those who would say all the right things in front of your face and when the chips were  down their  actions showed that they were really all about themselves. I used to think how could you not take this kind of thing personally? But you see when you do stop taking it personally you get to see the 'real' picture and act accordingly. 

Some people want to be seen as the ones saying the same things that are coming out of your mouth. The thoughts, rational, arguments or ideas that you have are the ones that they wished they had said. Better still some want you to share that only with them so that they can then present it as their own. Some don't want to associate or attribute the intelligence with you. Some people don't like confrontation and will shy away from anything that 'smells' like that to them. Others will join the bandwagon because they lack the confidence to speak for themselves but at the first sign of trouble they will retreat fearing they get tarnished with a negative brush. You will be isolated in a heartbeat. Others just have their hidden agendas and these will not come to light until time plays its part.  

I remember working for an organisation that had big profile. I went in as a volunteer answering phone, updating databases, writing letters, dealing with queries and getting involved with mass mail outs. Whilst in this role a vacancy came up.  I of course applied for it. I was doing the job anyway so what harm could it be? Well I'll tell you what harm. The team was divided into four parts, each lead by a fund raising officer, who was  responsible

for a section of the community who they would engage with and support through their fundraising efforts. Prior to the vacancy all the team leaders kept commenting on what a great job I had been doing. In team meetings I contributed to the team efforts giving ideas and viewpoints. I mean I believed in what we were trying to achieve. When the vacancy came up I spoke with the people and leaders to get a clearer understanding of the post.  I had the skills, knew the systems and got on well with the whole team. Everyone knew I had applied. Some came to wish me luck and others gave me interview tips. I got shortlisted and interviewed. After the interview I asked for feedback and all seemed good.  However I did not get the job. 

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I asked why I hadn't been successful and was told the person had better computer skills than me and it was this that resulted in them being selected over me. Now I would have left it at that but something happened that made we question everything.  I found out that the successful person was a close friend of one of the two people that interviewed me. I kind of suspected something from there on in. Paranoia sets in quickly.  When the person finally started they were introduced and I was informed, during a team meeting,  that I would be supporting this person because they did not have enough computer skills. Don't get me wrong the irony was definitely not lost on me. Was I pissed? You bet! As I say life is funny or the people you meet in life are funny.  Yep I could have got twisted and stopped volunteering. But I didn't. I just made sure that she did her own work.  I was polite and helpful but became too busy working on what I had to do. I thought if your friend got you the job then do the job.

Needless to say some of the team were also pissed at what had occurred. But this is where you harness people. Instead of going off on one with them I asked if there was anything that I could do to support them more thus manoeuvring myself out of her way and focusing on other tasks that took up my time. When she came to me to do something I genuinely said I was busy and would try to fit it in. Sometimes I fit it in but more often than not she had to ask someone else for help. My colleagues, who could have helped, also told her the same message. Now you've got to understand I hadn't asked them to do this. They did this off their own backs because they didn't like the injustice. Yes they helped her but not as much as she could have got if the circumstances had been different. As I say life is funny or the people you meet in life are funny. 

To end the story another one of the fund raising officers went to an event and injured their back. They couldn’t come back to work and so another vacancy was created. Guess who got the job? Yep me.

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Who went on to harness the world of DJs and popular artists of the time to create a mega fund raising event held at Equinox the Leicester Square? Yep me. It raised huge funds, tapped into a scene previously ignored and raised the profile within the black media. I even got interviewed!  Yes hands up. It was satisfying to prove some of those people wrong.  It was hard work and I had some great support and contacts that helped to make it happen. In addition it vindicated one of the things that I kept telling the team:  black people fundraise too. Their misguided notion that young black people would not be interested in raised funds for this appeal was just that.  Misguided. Thanks to all the DJ and underground peps that rallied behind that cause.   Now I just think that was funny. Don't you? 

Over time I've learnt that I can only speak for me, my thoughts and my feelings. If something is truly yours No one can take it away.  I have really had a hard time understanding that. Why? Because I have usually wanted to please others more than I wanted to please myself.  When I talk about pleasing myself I'm not talking about being spiteful and selfish. I am talking about not always deferring my needs so that you feel better all the time or at my expense. You understand what I'm saying?  You know what's even funnier? When I learnt to believe this I talked it. When I talked in this way I acted in this way and you know what? Things changed. 

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I'm so aware that I usually talk about the work environment and that’s because I can be a little bit more objective. On the personal side of my life things have taken longer and been more painful to talk about. When I've felt betrayed I've  stopped talking and kept things bottled up.  But when I learnt to be bold in one  environment things changed in my personal world too. At work when I began to take ownership using terms like I think, I feel, my understanding of the data or the situation is this, I can't solve this matter but I can make a suggestion for moving forward.... Something strange happened or should I say I noticed a change. People listened and took note. Later on when I asked someone why people were listening to me they told me I no longer appeared angry. I laughed because they were probably right.  I wasn't angry anymore that’s true but I no longer cared about them joining me. It was more about caring about me and trying to stay true to that part of me.   Sometimes when you're in that space you can't see the wood for the trees. When others saw anger they stop listening.  So the balances I strive for is handling my emotions and still get people to listen? I don’t know.  I guess I own it. What does that mean? Well I’d have to bottle that and sell it.

My work life, attending training courses, my observations and learning from my experiences has helped me to realise the dynamics at work. I learnt not to take it so personal. I think some of us feel like we have failed because we think that is the only way that we can take it: personally. I owned my thoughts, ideas and whatever. I learnt, in the world of work, to display my emotions elsewhere or to manage them better than I had in the past. All too often women are told that their emotions are not appropriate in the workplace. The reality is that we are often employed because we do have these same said emotions. Managing them is really the key. If I can make a breakthrough well anyone can. Now before you think I'm getting on some high horse let me be perfectly clear. I have slipped from time to time  and taken things so personal that it’s been bad for my health. But where I now sit is in a place where I understand more. I have memories and feelings of how it worked when I didn't  get it 'right'. I also have the memories and emotions of how it worked when I did get it right.  I now have a reference point and know how I prefer to feel. This is something I certainly didn't have before.  Do things surprise me still? Yes but my core is much firmer. This same firmness has spread to my personal life. I finally refused to accept something. I believed I was worth better.  I spoke it.  I acted upon it and it resulted in change. All I'm saying is that you have your journey and I have mine. If something I share helps someone great! If not then it wasn't for you.

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I am going to take the position that has served me well. I recognise my feelings. My feelings  impact on my belief so I think and feel my way through to creating my  thoughts.  My thoughts  turn in my words and this leads to my action.  I really can't help how you  interpret my process or even my actions. All I can say is if you are unsure check in with me and I will try and explain the best I can. If the explanation helps that's cool. If not that's cool too. Honestly sometimes I really don't have the time to explain.   If I don't know something I don't bluff.  I'll simply  tell you "I don't know". If I get to know then I share   but I rest  assured in the knowledge that when you see this (meaning me).....it’s all mine. It's all ME.

Remember your feelings, your belief, your words, your actions create change. ©

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