I hear you when you say" things ain't good " and then there's a long pause. I hear you.
When I look at your face and I see that despite the make up under your eyes look swollen. I see you. Although you are looking AT me I recognise that familiar far off gaze shadowing your eyes (breathe now). I feel you. When I see your lips slightly quiver as you speak and there's a rush of words tripping over themselves to escapes your lips (exhale now). Nuff said.
I intuitively hear that breath hurriedly forcing itself to escape the back of your throat (exhale now). I feel the depth of emotions drip like tear drops between us . Drip, drop, pop! At this moment our spirits collide greeting each other with the familiar "oh hi we back here again" and yet rushing past each other so as not to linger for fear of recognition.
I feel the unspoken fear that says if I speak too loud the emotional will rush out unchecked. If I speak too loud I might just feel the tears fall. If I speak too loud I may hear myself SCREAM! I may hear myself moan. I will not ...... cry, These tears will not escape. I will not scream. I will just smile.
I feel it for I know all too well. That it is in these moments that you need the space to be heard: when you say nothing at all. It's really at that time we know each other so well. At that time we are aligned. We are not black, white or anything in between. We are wounded. We are hurt. All we want is to find the solution for our healing but all we feel is paralyzed with our fear. Fear of the now. Fear of the future. Knowing that time is the healer but I dont know how I am going to make it. I can't see the next seconds, minutes, hour, day, weeks, months or years ahead. That's a lie. What I see is emptiness loneliness. Oh F**k this time! I dont want to feel anything now. I want to remain in denial. I want to carry on in this pretense that nothing has changed. I want to be numb. Why cant I be numb? Why cant I play dumb? I want to be dumb and numb. Why wont you let me? Who says I have to be strong? Why cant I just let go? I want to let go! I really really want to let go.
If I asked you "Where are you feeling this pain?" You couldn't say because right now.....right in this moment it feels like it is everywhere and it is nowhere. But give me time to think and it feels like it is in my mind, my body and soul. All we do right now is look at each other. Hold each others gaze. We know as sure as a singer hums her low melodic melody of sorrow, as if standing with the mourners at a graveside... We are still. Hoping that this pain too shall pass. Hoping against hope that we cannot feel anything and most of all are hoping that our cracks do not show .
Let's arrange a time to meet up? Let's drink some liquor and hope we forget . Let's dull the pain and cover it with laughter. Let's laugh till we cry out loud. Maybe our laughter will be just hard enough that when the tears come (and come they will) we won't see the real tears in each others eyes.
Written on my iphone after meeting another woman in pain on 20th September 2014.
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